Is there a Self that Exists without being Validated by Others?
As human beings, we understand that many of the events that happen to us, and our entire emotional state, are rooted in love—either its presence or absence. Every story we tell, and every experience we label as “trauma,” is connected to a lack of love. Even though we may raise ourselves to be independent loners, we subconsciously chase the need to be seen, loved, and approved of.
Humans search for themselves in the eyes of another. While we know that the strength of our existence lies in the process of self-awareness and self-knowledge, we still need others in a practical sense. We define ourselves and the world through others. In fact, it is the existence of another that creates reality, the collision of other minds producing a shared outcome. Ultimately, humans yearn for connection, and even when pursuing success, they do so not just for themselves but to share it with others.
I want to share an experiment a valuable teacher once told me about: They created three groups of baby donkeys. The first group was shown love, touched, fed, and treated kindly. The second group was completely ignored; the donkeys were neither acknowledged nor touched. The third group was treated with violence, hit, and subjected to “bad treatment.” When the development of these three groups was observed, it was found that the physical growth of the second group completely halted, while the first and third groups continued to develop.
I was deeply affected by this experiment. There is something even more impactful on a living being than physical violence, which we typically view as the worst harm: being unseen, unacknowledged, ignored. There is nothing heavier for a sentient being than having its existence denied. In one way or another, our most basic instinct is to exist and have that existence accepted by an external mirror.
Thus, I am not only validated when I am treated well, but also when I am criticized, when someone yells at me, when I can make someone angry, or when I start a fight. Psychology experts have valuable insights into this topic. In the everyday understanding of “good” and “bad,” these concepts don’t really exist. If both good and bad validate my existence, a part of me is satisfied by this. However, when I receive no reaction at all, when I am met with apathy—this is the greatest despair for a living being.
But does this mean I must constantly prove my existence and demand attention to avoid the threat of being ignored? Here, I want to clarify what it means not to be acknowledged. If not being acknowledged means being rejected, I am still, in a way, being acknowledged. My existence is seen and rejected, and while this may seem negative, it is still, in essence, a gift to my being.
But if nothing I do is seen, criticized, reacted to, or even rejected—if there is only silence, an empty lack of response—what happens to me then?
This is why modern humans are so focused on drawing attention. In a network built on attention-seeking, we are all striving to prove our existence and have it validated through positive or negative responses. This is a very natural human inclination; none of us are superior or different from the other in this respect. The only difference lies in how seriously we take this need and the extent to which we live through others. Some of us are conscious in choosing who we want to reflect us, while others try to make the entire world accept them. A person who spends all their time trying to be accepted and loved by everyone will eventually disappear.
After all of this, we must ask ourselves: If all my belongings were taken away, if my presence on social media were erased, if I stood alone in an empty space for a few days without reading a book and without anyone responding to me… Would I still exist?
The me that is not acknowledged… Is she still here?